It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, and I will be spending it as usual in a bath of ewe’s milk shared with my wife, in a candlelit room, drinking champagne and gazing into the deep pools of each other’s shining eyes as we contemplate our mutual awesomeness. This will be followed by sensuous massages, a cosy viewing of Titanic in front of a roaring fire and wild, passionate sex on a bed of fresh flowers.
That’s our day sorted, then. Same old same old. But here’s 20 things you probably shouldn’t do on Valentine’s Day.
1. Buy flowers. They put the price up you know. What’s more, be careful with your choices – flowers are like watches; it’s amazing how ugly so many of them are. I’d rather put a turd on my kitchen table than a blue chrysanthemum. And don’t get roses. Roses are boring.
2. Have sex – unless of course it’s not with your partner. Otherwise it’s going to be the opposite of what sex is about, ie spontaneity.
3. Buy anything heart-shaped. Soap, chocolates, cakes, picture frames, tea bags – you name it. They don’t even resemble hearts – check the butcher’s slab.
4. Send an anonymous Valentine’s card. I don’t get it. What’s the point?
5. Pretend to be having a good time when you’re not. Save that for Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays.
6. Propose marriage. Start a marriage with fresh cheese, it will end with mouldy cheese. Also there’s a danger in doing something just because it’s romantic. I should know – I’ve been married twice.
7. Go out for a meal. It’s hard to get a table and it’s depressing to watch 20 other couples not having fun too.
8. Surprise her with a balloon ride. It’s just too symbolic when they extinguish the flame and let the air out.
9. Go and see Fifty Shades of Grey. Just don’t.
10. Sling away the contraception and see what happens. Creating new life is not really a thing to do on a whim. Though speaking as someone with four children, I’m not necessarily in a position to preach.
11. Make vows and promises of any kind. If they’re worth making, they are impossible to keep.
12. Surprise her with a puppy. Apart from anything else, they are difficult to wrap. You can stun them first, but unconscious just isn’t the same somehow.
13. Send Valentine’s cards to your kids. This has become a thing. Don’t do it. It’s weird.
14. Do them a mix tape (or whatever the digital equivalent is). This is always an exercise in self-aggrandisement.
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