Will him losing interest and running for the hills because you slept with him too soon? There is no conclusive resolution to this age-old argument. Since I have been writing and coaching women about relationships for more than ten years, I can't even begin to count the number of messages I get from women who are terrified that they slept with a guy too soon and that he is now acting strangely and that he might have left them forever.
The good news is that a man won't lose interest in you just because you slept with him too soon unless he's some sort of pickup artist who sleeps with women for sport. This subject, however, isn't quite that straightforward, so let me explain.
On a dating website, a close friend of mine recently met an incredible man. He resembled Bradley Cooper exactly and was intelligent and successful. Things started off on a positive note.
After a few flirtatious text messages, he asked her out that Saturday night. They had a great time on their date, kept in touch via messages, and early in the following week, he asked her out on a date for the following Saturday. He once more reserved her for the following Saturday night after a pleasant second date that included pleasant conversation, enjoying each other's company, and some passionate making out.
She admitted to me before the date that she wasn't entirely sure about this guy. Although she thought he was great on paper and all, she didn't feel they had much in common beyond the fact that she found him to be very attractive. After their third date, she made the decision to sleep with him, and I didn't really offer much advice because it didn't seem like she was interested in developing a real relationship with him anyway.
They spent a passionate night together and texted each other frequently afterwards, but something had changed...
My friend told me that she had bought tickets to a booze cruise and was waiting for him to ask her out for that Saturday night because she thought that would be a fun date. She became anxious when he still hadn't asked her out by Thursday even though he usually asked her out no later than Wednesday for Saturday night.
He continued to send her sexually suggestive texts by text while they were still in touch. But occasionally he would stop texting or just ignore her when she inquired about something unrelated to sex.
In an instant, their relationship changed from classy Saturday night dates to haphazard 2 AM hookups. While he was friendly and sweet when they were together, his only desire was to play around. He never texted her before 11 p.m. (and sometimes order in food and fool around).
As everything began to fall apart, I watched in silence. I have a rule that I will not offer relationship advice to my friends unless they specifically request it (and frequently they won't because they are afraid I'll tell them the truth and they would prefer to remain in denial!). As a result of me not always providing them with the answers they desire, my friends have occasionally become irate with me.
I don't understand this, my friend finally called me after they did. I adore him so much. What went wrong?"
I began by pointing out that she didn't begin to really, really like him until he stopped behaving in such a manner toward her. However, I still bluntly told her that she slept with him too soon. It was probably one of the simplest relationship questions that was posed to me because it was a fairly cut-and-dry situation.
She retorted, "What do you mean?" The third date was the one I waited for! Isn't that what you should be doing?
I struggled not to laugh at the ridiculousness of her assertion. "All right, tell me about this. What precisely did you know about him? What do you know about him that you couldn't learn from his social media or online dating profiles?
“Ummm… He would, however, talk about them and show me pictures of his nieces and nephews.
Doesn't matter. The images were public on Facebook and Instagram, and I'm sure he showed them to his friends and coworkers. Do you understand his long-term objectives? His worries? What brings him joy? What are his weaknesses?
And right therein lies the issue. Before they ever felt any sort of genuine connection, she slept with him. They were still in the preliminary stages of amicable acquaintanceship. (I know going on three Saturday night dates in a row with a guy can feel like he's investing, but it's not true.) He hadn't demonstrated any level of investment. They didn't really know one another; all they were aware of were the obvious facts that anyone could learn.
The number of dates you've gone on is an arbitrary indicator of the strength of your relationship when it comes to sleeping with a guy. The caliber of your time together is what counts. A girl is much more likely to have a long-lasting relationship than a girl who sleeps with a guy she hasn't really connected with on the fifth date after an evening of intense, meaningful conversation that fosters a bond.
My friend's boyfriend showed little interest in her. Yes, he was somewhat interested and somewhat attracted, but once sex was involved, he lost interest in continuing the relationship. Why should he treat her to fancy dates and fine dining when he can call her at one in the morning to satisfy his needs? It's difficult to turn back the clock when sex occurs before a true emotional connection has been made.
For men, love is love and sex is sex. Furthermore, one does not follow the other. Many women make the error of believing that having sex marks some kind of relationship milestone, but most men do not.
It wasn't until the guy's interest started to wane that my friend truly began to feel anything. I frequently observe this phenomenon as well, and there are a few causes for it.
If we approach the topic from a scientific perspective. You've probably heard of oxytocin, also known as the "love hormone." It basically releases whenever there is physical contact, so the closer you are to someone, the more connected you will feel.
The universal human trait of wanting what we cannot have is the next. She began to invest even more as soon as he began to lose interest in her because she perceived him as being inherently more valuable (and there are psychological reasons for this that we can discuss in a different article!).
When a man has demonstrated some level of interest in you, it is appropriate to have a sexual encounter. (This assumes that you want to be friends with him. You can sleep with him whenever you want - just be careful! If you want a friend with benefits or a reliable booty call.
This does not imply that he has declared his love for you or that he calls you his girlfriend. It implies that when you're together, you can both let down your guard and just be yourself. It denotes that he shares information with you that he does not share with other people (and vice versa). It implies that he values and cares about you as a person.
In order to get what we want out of a man, we women have been told our entire lives that we must make him wait for sex, as though it were some sort of negotiating chip. I understand where the idea is coming from, and there is some truth to it, but it misses the mark and leaves too much room for interpretation. Most women interpret this to mean that he will pursue her more and become more invested in her the longer she puts off having sex with him. This might work occasionally, but more often than not, the guy will see right through your ruse.
The length of time you wait is irrelevant because a guy who really likes you won't mind if you sleep with him right away. Men don't value what they believe is readily and easily accessible to all other men, which is the problem.
When you have an affair with a man before getting to know him well, he is likely to believe that any other man could have done it. He thinks you slept with him because of how amazing he is and that you wouldn't have given in so easily if it were any other guy when you get to know who he really is after you have slept with him. See the difference?
Regarding my friend, I tried to assist her in getting back on track, but their relationship had already descended too far into the booty call zone and couldn't be saved. She tried to only see him on dates (and he found ways to get around that, was only free when he could come over for sex, and was always too busy when she suggested an activity), don't reply to his sexts, and try to get to know him better, but nothing worked, and eventually he just vanished into thin air.
Most Commonly Asked Questions
How much time should pass before having sex?
Wait until he has demonstrated genuine interest and concern for you if you want to develop a relationship with this person. You must always keep in mind that quality time spent with someone is more important than the number of dates you go on.
How many dates are typical before someone decides to spend the night with you? Very few, but it really depends!
If you sleep with guys, do they respect you less?
No, I wouldn't say they lose respect in the traditional sense. They might lose interest, but typically a guy who loses interest after sex wasn't really all that interested in the first place. Maybe he liked you, but maybe not enough. It all really boils down to your intention. Yes, he might stop respecting you if you sleep with him to win his favor because that's a degrading thing to do. his favor because that's a degrading thing to do.
After you have slept with him, what does he think?
Once more, it depends on the situation. He'll be overjoyed if it's a guy who really likes you! If the guy is interested in you but isn't quite ready for a committed relationship, he might pump the breaks a little to keep things going slowly. He might be concerned that you'll become overly attached if he was only mildly interested in you. However, no man, at least not an emotionally sound man, will find a woman repulsive simply because she shared a bed with him.
What behaviors might he display if he regrets having slept with you?
He'll likely avoid you, withdraw from you, be distant from you, or outright ghost you.
I'm aware that he had sex with someone else, even though we aren't exclusive or official yet. How should I use this knowledge?
You must be crystal clear about your goals. If you want an exclusive relationship and it hurts you that he had a sexual encounter with someone else, talk to him about it. He isn't the right man for you if he wants to keep things open and you simply can't handle it.
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