A good, lifelong relationship can be built on some simple principles and cornerstones. If they are okay, the love should probably last for both everyday laundry and the big crises.
1. Participate in each other's lives
The greatest joy in a relationship is the feeling of being understood, of loving and being re-loved. But how can you love if you do not know your partner well?
How well do you know your partner and how open are you to him / her? Friendship and intimacy are what keep the relationship together, and couples who know each other really well are better equipped to handle conflicts and grueling events.
And it is not enough to get to know each other well at the beginning of the relationship. We change all the time, and it is important to follow the other person's innermost thoughts, feelings and dreams if you want to avoid growing apart.
This does not mean that you set aside one evening a week for long, deep conversations. But it is important that you tell what you are brooding over, perhaps job conflicts - and remember to ask about your partner's life.
Knowing each other well can consist of everything from knowing that he likes chicken thighs best and not the wings, to what is his life dream. But remember not only to expect to receive honesty - you must also be honest and open with yourself.
2. Show tenderness and respect
If you can hold on to those two things, you can save your relationship through all crises. But the tenderness and respect that you felt for each other in the hbeginning can drown in failure and hurt feelings.
If you can revive the positive emotions, they will act as an antidote to the contempt that often accompanies when there is a crisis in a relationship.
Test how you are doing by trying to remember the time you spent together. Do you remember the beautiful, glorious moments - or not?
Try to remind each other of what you said, did and thought when you had just met. How you tried to impress each other and make an impression to grab the other. Those memories will probably evoke smiles - and perhaps also evoke some of the same tender feelings.
Practice thinking positively about each other. If your relationship has gone awry, it can be difficult. But really think about whether or not there are aspects of him / her that deserve your tenderness and that you respect. And even if you do not love all aspects of your partner, try to focus on those you respect and love the person for.
Use each other in everyday life
A couple cannot survive alone at romantic candlelit dinners once every six months. And if you set your sights on it, it can only go wrong.
The most important thing is that everyday life works well and that you support each other on a daily basis. Get used to using the daily small talk to support and get support from each other.
It happens that couples ignore each other's emotional needs, not out of malice, but out of sheer thoughtlessness.
But it's easy to make good again. For example, with small everyday things like going out and shopping together or asking how the day has gone when you meet in the evening after a working day separately.
Take the partner's party when he / she is pressured and, for example, has had an argument with the boss. And do not forget that empathy and compassion are often more important than presenting a solution to the problem.
Keep eye contact, listen, and come up with small outbursts of sympathy that show you are engaged. Standing side by side is one of the cornerstones of a happy relationship. And even small everyday remarks make your partner - and you - feel valued.
4. Listen to your partner and let yourself be influenced
Most women take for granted their partner's accomplishment. Some men, on the other hand, find it harder to share power and show their opposition directly or indirectly, for example by buying a new, expensive car without first discussing it with her or by forgetting that they have invited friends to dinner this weekend. .
Men can learn the emotional intelligence of their wives - learn to slacken on prestige and occasionally give in to win in the long run. The benefit is that trust and respect between the partners, and between father and children, grows.
The partner who stubbornly refuses to be influenced risks ending up as a tragic figure. As a person who throughout life is so afraid of letting go of power and control and ends his days in loneliness and emotional isolation.
Remember that if you listen to your partner and take him or her for advice, then a feeling of community arises - that you are partners and truly equal partners in the relationship. You are together about the decisions, both big and small.
5. Find compromises where you can
Start the discussion softly - hard confrontations do not lead to anything - and create and receive attempts at reconciliation. Reassure each other, try to find a compromise, and be tolerant of each other's mistakes and shortcomings. The key to all conflict resolution is to accept each other's personalities.
You have to feel accepted to be able to change. And remember, reality is subjective. There is no right or wrong side to a conflict. A case can always be seen from at least two sides. Couples who have been together for a long time have learned to perceive each other's quirks as fun aspects of the personality.
Like the wife of the man who always left at the last second. Instead of unsuccessful attempts to change him, she embarked on a new strategy.
She set the time for, for example, a family dinner to be half an hour earlier than it was. He knew pretty well that she was cheating on him, but he complied with it anyway. That way, she got the time margin she needed and got rid of rushing at him.
So do not pick on your partner over small things - it ruins the relationship.
6. Learn to live with lifelong conflict
What do you do, for example, if he absolutely does not want a child and she goes and dreams of a child of desire?
If he is a homemaker and loves to fool around alone while she is a party shark and thrives in festive company every night?
When a conflict is completely locked in, it is often because it is about the partners' deepest wishes and needs. Dreams that are part of the personality, such as freedom, security, order, justice or getting as high on the career ladder as possible.
In harmonious relationships, the partners help each other achieve their life goals - without necessarily having to share the same dreams.
And locked situations can arise from the completely banal - often because there are experiences from childhood behind it.
For example, she may want them to go out and eat every Friday night - it was a special pampering she experienced in her childhood home. But he wants to eat at home, because as a child he felt pampered when his otherwise busy mother every Friday cooked real food for the whole family at home.
In any case, it is important to recognize that behind locked conflicts there are almost always differences in dreams. And thus it is important to bring out the dreams, because they can easily be hidden. For example, he may not want children because his dream is to travel and work - but that does not come up in the children's discussion.
If you feel that you are in a locked situation, the goal is not to resolve the conflict, but to get out of the locked situation and start a dialogue.
Try to find out what lies behind your different perceptions. And remember that differences will always be present in your relationship. But you can learn to respect each other's dreams, accept the differences and avoid conflict every time the topic comes up.
7. Create a series of shared experiences
When you hear about another culture, you probably think of other peoples. But it does not have to be that strange. Think that each family consists of its own little culture - and in your relationship you have a microculture with small rituals, shared memories and other things that you share as a couple or family.
It is important to nurture the community if the relationship is to survive and develop. Rituals, such as cooking extra good food every Saturday night or cuddling each other when you are sick, are examples of actions that strengthen the community.
Or it can just be something as common as eating dinner together every night - without the television running in the background.
Also try if you can create shared experiences on the more personal level and with spiritual goals. It can be dreams that you develop together.
Maybe even just fantasies that never turn into anything in reality, but you can still strengthen the community by having the common fantasy world. Common symbols can also be humorous or nostalgic anecdotes about events in the relationship.
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