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Dating Romantic

Before Bedtime: How to Have Fun in Bed With Your Partner Without Sex

Abstinence means different things to different people: for some, it means enjoying sensual activities with your partner without going “all the way” (i.e. having sexual intercourse); for others, abstinence means absolutely no sexual contact whatsoever. Between those two extremes exists a whole spectrum of varying levels of abstinence. No matter where you are on that spectrum, you can still have fun in bed with your partner.

Explore your own feelings about the relationship. You might find it helpful to write these down on a piece of paper, in your journal, or in a text document on your computer. This is just for you, so don’t be afraid to be completely honest. Things to consider: What would the perfect relationship be for you? Are you in it right now? What do you love about your partner? Is he/she a kind person? Supportive? Funny? Smart? Physically fit? Telling your partner what you like about him/her should help him/her understand your reasons for wanting to be in the relationship beyond sex; they should understand that it’s nothing personal. it’s not about them.

Broach the subject before things get sexual. It can be difficult to think clearly in the heat of the moment. Make the decision to talk about abstinence together before you’re aroused preferably before you’ve become too physically intimate at all. Clearly stating your boundaries early in the relationship may be daunting, but it will make things easier for you and your partner in the long run.

Explain your boundaries and concerns in a clear, respectful way. How you discuss your boundaries will depend largely upon your age and experience: a discussion between 30 year olds will be much different from one between teens. Regardless of your demographic, be clear, direct, and respectful. As an example, here are some tips for talking to a teenaged boy or a young adult male: A younger, less mature boy might have difficulty dealing with a serious conversation. It may be helpful to bring it up ahead of time with him for example, “I want to talk to you about something kind of serious it’s not bad though. Can we do that after school?” Make sure he’s not hungry or otherwise irritable before you talk to him. If you can, try to talk to him while you two are walking together. In general, guys think better when they are active. Walking as you talk will also make him feel less stressed or trapped than if you’re sitting still somewhere. Don’t stare. Another good thing about walking while you talk is that you are looking straight ahead for the most part. Staring into your partner’s eyes while talking about something serious may be frightening for him; it may make things seem even more serious, which could cause him to shut down and stop communicating with you.

Be considerate. If this is the first time you’ve brought up abstinence with your partner, he/she may be surprised. He/she may have a lot of questions: it's important that you both communicate in an open and considerate manner. Do not be defensive if your partner has a lot of questions. He/she may just be trying to get a better understanding of where you’re coming from. If you are in a healthy relationship, you should be able to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and needs with your partner without it turning into a fight. If your partner gets upset at you, try to stay calm. It may even be necessary to leave him/her alone and give him/her some time to process what you've said.

Don’t let it drag on too long. Having a serious talk can be exhausting both physically and emotionally. Try not to let the talk go on for longer than an hour if possible. When you’re both exhausted, you’re more likely to say things you don't mean and to make decisions you regret. If your discussion isn’t done but you’re both tired, make a date to continue the discussion later. You don’t even have to leave each other’s presence if you don't want to; you can just agree to put the discussion on hold until you both have more energy to return to it.

Know that sex isn’t the only way to be close with your partner. In a healthy relationship, you’ll be close with your partner for many reasons beyond having sex.[8] You can build closeness and trust in the relationship by talking, listening, sharing, respecting each other’s ideas, and simply by hanging out/taking pleasure in each other’s company. If you partner tries to tell you that sex is the only way you can be close, you may want to consider whether the relationship is really what you want.

Play a board game in bed. It can be fun just to sit in bed with your partner and do non-sexual things. Playing a board game is a great way to cozy up with your partner in bed without it turning into something sexual.

Read each other stories. Sit next to each other fully clothed, propped up on pillows, and take turns reading to each other. You can even take turns choosing which book you read. How close you sit depends on your level of comfort.If you’re worried about it turning sexual, try staying above the covers while sitting next to each other. You could also sit on opposite ends of the bed with only your feet touching. You can read each other romantic stories for a sexy twist (and maybe to laugh at how cheesy they are).

Listen to music together. Sitting in bed, listen to an album. Go over the lyrics. Sit close to each other and enjoy the closeness of your partner’s body, but don’t go further than simply holding hands or cuddling up close.

Watch a movie. Cozy up in bed together with some snacks and lots of pillows, and watch a movie. If you're worried that it will turn into a make-out session, try placing some pillows between you and using separate blankets.If being separated by pillows and blankets doesn’t work, it’s okay to say it isn't working and ask your partner if he/she is into doing something else that makes your urges easier to resist.

Work on great kissing. Kiss each other, taking time to explore different ways of kissing. Do an online search for “how to kiss” and try out the different methods. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Laugh when the kisses feel awkward! You’re building intimacy by experimenting with what works and doesn't work.

Make out, but with rules. Setting rules will not only help you stick to your boundaries; it will also make things extra sexy. An example of a rule you might set is that neither of you can remove even one item of clothing. Another possible rule is no hands allowed below the waist.

Explore your own bodies together. You can do this to varying degrees. For example, you might agree not to touch each other, and then sit across from each other and slowly undress.To take it up a notch, you could sit across from each other and touch yourselves, with the rule that you are not allowed to touch each other.

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